Afraid to Fall
by OkamiKimz
Summary: I want to be with him. I really do, but it's too painful. I can't let the same thing happen again. I can't lose someone else. I don't want to move on. Written in Jean's point of view. Oneshot.


Hi everyone! It's been a while, but I suddenly got muse so... Oneshot time! I don't know if I will continue my other story or not, as I am not too happy with it.

Anyway, this is Jean x Armin. One of my favourite pairings, and I think they are very underrated.

Rating is for swearing.

Enjoy!

* * *

I want to be with him. I really do, but it's too painful. I can't let the same thing happen again. I can't lose someone else. I don't want to move on.

* * *

How could this happen?

Why him? Why did I have to lose him?

And despite my pain, why did I have to fall for _him_?

I can still hardly believe it. I saw him with my own eyes, but I still want to believe he's still here, still with me.

But he isn't, and he will never come back.

He was my best friend. Though, more than that, I loved him. I never told him, but I loved him. I'll never know how he felt. I regret so much.

And yet, when I lay awake on the verge of tears at night, why is it always _him_ that comforts me?

When did _he_ get so close to me?

And exactly when did I fall for _him_?

And that's exactly where I found myself tonight; choking back tears as I hid away from the others. I was so sure _he_ wouldn't find me.

"Jean?"

Shit.

I turned away from him, coughing to hide a sob as I rubbed any possible traces of liquid pooling in my eyes.

"You don't have to hide."

_He_ sat down beside me, but I noticed he didn't look at me as I glanced in his direction.

"How do you always find me?" I grumbled, glaring at the ground.

_He_ laughed nervously.

"I guess I know you too well."

"Then I'll just hide somewhere you'd never find me."

"I'll find you anyway."

I glared at _him_ to show my irritation. Why couldn't _he_ understand the reason I tried to hide?

But then, I wanted him to find me, and that just confused me even more.

"Fucking hell, Armin."

He just smiled slightly in return.

How long had it been that we sat there in silence? I stopped thinking about the time long ago. All I could think of was Marco. So much time had passed, and I couldn't move on.

A weight hitting my shoulder snapped me to attention and I glared at whatever had dared disturb my thoughts.

"A-Armin?" I whispered, shocked but trying not to alert anyone else to our location.

No response.

He was breathing softly, and I immediately realized he had fallen asleep.

I guess I looked at him too long, because my face suddenly felt wet.

Crap. Why did this guy have to confuse me so much?

I knew what I felt. I felt for Armin as I felt for Marco, and it pissed me off so much. I wasn't angry at Armin. I was angry at myself.

How could I move on so fast? No. I couldn't. I can't love Armin. I cannot take losing another loved one.

But why did he make my heart pound?

I shifted my weight slightly and his head fell to my chest.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I gritted my teeth as my tears dripped from my cheeks, trying to force myself to stop and relax.

"Jean…"

I wondered if he has been listening. How long had he been awake?

"Jean… It's okay…"

No, he couldn't be awake. His breathing was exactly the same as earlier. His voice was barely a whisper. What was he dreaming about?

Well, aside from the obvious.

"Why do you have to confuse me so much?" I murmured as I leaned down, getting a closer look.

He was honestly just too cute to describe as he slept. I slowly slid back into a more comfortable position.

"Armin… Things would be so much easier for me to figure out without you here… But, I want you to stay forever."

I felt safe expressing my thoughts to the sleeping young man. It was easier to think aloud.

"You never looked down on me. You've always been there for me, but Marco… It feels like I am betraying him."

I found myself gripping onto Armin and quickly loosened my hold, shaking slightly as I tried to stop crying.

Perhaps Marco was just my excuse not to confess to Armin. It hurt me constantly that he was gone, but Marco would never begrudge me for moving on, even if he did love me back. Marco was never that kind of person.

Well, I guess I knew my fear was the only thing stopping me once I realized that.

"I… I can't… I might lose you too… I'll come to like you too much and if you're gone, I don't think I could go on anymore. Losing another person so special… I can't handle it."

A soft hand wiped a tear from my cheek.

"Jean…"

"… How long have you been awake?"

"Jean, I promise you that I'll never leave you in any way. We'll make it through this."

"You can't promise me that."

I looked away from him, but he simply snuggled into my chest more.

"Then, I will be here with you for as long as I possibly can. I know we'll get through this."

I sighed. If Armin believed it was possible, he was probably right. Or at least, I believed almost everything he said.

"Fine." I replied, slowly bringing my gaze back to him. "I'll believe you. So make sure that I've made the right choice."

Armin nodded and I was sure he was smiling.

I waited until the sound of his soft breathing returned and I was sure he was asleep. I had my arm around his back and he was still pressed against me, comfortingly.

"I love you, Armin." I murmured, pressing a light kiss to the top of his head.

"I love you too, Jean." Armin replied proudly, having fooled me once again before he buried his face against my neck.

"D-dammit, stop doing that!" My cheeks quickly heated up in embarrassment.

Armin laughed quietly. "But if I didn't, we wouldn't be here now, would we?"

"Gah… Shut up."

I held him to me tightly, trying to let him know I was truly thankful for everything he had done for me.

I hope he understood.


End file.
